No Pain, No Gain

I thought about a lot of things today. I thought about why people say certain things, why people act certain ways, and why people lie the way they do. I thought of how people react to those lies, and how sometimes people live by their own lies.

A lot went through my mind, and the more I thought about it, the more questions came up but the more I understood. As more and more made sense, it crea
ted an exponential amount of new problems.

I thought about people in love. I thought about this for a long time. After all, it's what humanity lives for. We all just live to be loved. We all just live to love. That's what humanity is after all; we fight to be loved, we cry to be loved, we lie for love, we die because cars explode on impact when you're going 70 down a freeway and have a head on collision.

I've had only a few real relationships, only a few times where I've really gotten close to someone and been able to say I truly love them be it family or otherwise. The more I thought about it all, the more things came together.

People are really, really weird. We do weird things, and say stupid stuff. We laugh at each other. Humanity, believe it or not, laughs to break awkward tension. It's a type of anxiety, in a way. Isn't love kind of the same way?

People love each other because it's an escape. It breaks our anxiety. It gives us something to think about other than how in only a couple of decades, we're going to turn to dust. It lets us live for something other than just living. It's the most common source of meaning on this planet. People love to break the anxiety, the awkward tension. People love for the same reason they laugh.

I'm not even 18 yet, and already I regret so much. I regret so many things. I wish I had said how I feel to people around me, I wish I let people know that I care. I wish I stood up for myself when no one else would. I wish I took more initiative, and tried to control my own life rather than let my life control me.

As time goes on, I see a little more of the big picture. It seems like everyone's afraid to talk about this kind of thing. I don't understand why. People assume it makes them emo, or gay, or mentally ill, hipster, whatever the fuck they think. But that's not it at all. People who think about stuff like this are people ready to embrace reality. It's always there. Everyone's glanced at the big picture. Everyone's seen something someone did wrong and thought, "That's not right. I should help."

We've all had these thoughts. We've all tried to figure it out. A lot of people don't like the answers. Even more people can't find the answers. A few people understand the inevitability of these things. And an even fewer amount of people can find the beauty in this. I think I fall into the latter.

After all I've just written, I haven't even gotten to the main point.

I appreciate every moment I've ever had. I appreciate all the pain I've ever felt, all the lost I've ever grieved, and all the love I never had. I enjoyed all the lies, and all my feelings of regret. I'm so very, very glad I can feel what life has blessed me with.

After all, how can we say we're happy if we don't know what pain is? There isn't light without dark, beauty without ugly, hot without cold. Happiness comes out of all the pains around us.

When I see someone who revels in that pain, when I see wrist cutters, suicide attempts, people drowning themselves in sorrow, I feel bad for them. Not because of the pain they feel to get to that point, but because they can't appreciate the fact that no matter what, no matter how bad things become, at one point or another things have to get better. It is physically impossible for things to become worse and worse and worse continuously. And without these pains, without the heartbreak, we would never learn to love. We would never learn to be happy.

And so, to the people who have been with me through my life, the people who have gone out of their way to help me. The people who have laughed with me, fought with me and then made amends, live the best life you can. You are the most important kind of people in this world. You're some of the few people who can take the time to help another person in a world where that seems to be disappearing every day. I could never thank you enough for everything you guys have done fore me. I could never repay you for everything you've done for me.

And of course, that leaves the other group. To everyone who's gone out of their way to tell lies about me. To everyone who's taken time to orchestrate chaos and destruction, who have tried to catch and crush me, who have seen me at my weakest and most desperate, and sneered: I pity you. I truly do. You're going to miss so much. There's so much you don't understand, so much you don't see. And it's a shame because chances are you never will. And so I pity you. Your life is empty, because you revel in your pains. You live in pain, and you don't feel happiness. You feel relief that someone looks like they have it worse, and that you can add to it. It's a true shame, and I find it horribly saddening that you will forever be cursed like that. I hope that by some cosmic event you find yourself actually feeling happy. I hope one day you truly feel pain, and then wake up with it gone.

Now to a new topic. There are friends and family who I love as friends and family, obviously. Again, that means there's obviously the 'other' kind of love. To everyone who I've said "I love you," only to make things worse later, I truly apologize. I really, really do. People have bizarre emotions, and sometimes we confuse what we want to feel with how we really feel. Unfortunately it's hard for me to know which is which, and I figure things out too late. That leaves you hurt, and confused. There is nothing that will ever truly fix that pain, or remove that mark. You have no idea how much I regret hurting you, how much I really wish things were different.

To those who I have truly loved, I wish I was strong enough to admit that that's what it is. I wish I could have been a little bolder, a little smarter, a little more daring. I wish I made the move. I wish I could have done a little more than sit there silent, wishing I had something better to say, wishing I was a little different, a little better looking or a little more funny. Because honestly, none of those things should matter. What should really matter is whether or not two people make each other happy.

A relationship isn't something you should struggle to keep together. It isn't something that should be filled with all the pains and sorrows of life. After all, all those pains are what make us love. It should be our cloud nine, our oasis in the desert. It should be our paradise. And yet it never is. We try to rush things. Everyone does. Few people ever feel truly happy in a relationship.

The best way to explain it is that when you're in love, it shouldn't be a chase to make yourself happy with them. It should be the one time where you're never sad. Even if something bad happens, you should feel happy that it happened while you were with them, while you were thinking of them, holding them, talking to them. Stop trying to have movie relationships. You shouldn't have to keep an eye on your dream guy to make sure he doesn't cheat. You shouldn't have to change their ways and fix them. You shouldn't have to be their little whore. You should just be yourself, and let them be themselves. If you're happy when both people are doing that, then nothing can go wrong. If you can find that equilibrium, then you're set for the rest of your life. Don't change anything. And don't be so afraid. Your best guy friend, or girl friend CAN be the love of your life. If something goes wrong, you should both be able to understand that things don't always go as planned.

Love isn't the ability to accept someones mistakes, or look past their flaws. Love is the true feeling that they have no flaws. Love is the feeling that you (go figure) LOVE everything they are and everything they do.

Live life like that. Feel the pain. Feel the joy. Love every moment of it.

I've had enough of the bullshit guys and gals. I've done way too much thinking about this kind of thing, and it's taken its toll. If you want more info or some shit, just ask me. I'll be playing League of Legends, working on my art, and looking for a fucking job.

Peace.